I am a secondary. I’m happy to be there. What’s a secondary, you ask? Glad you asked. See, every once in a while, one partner or another in a relationship decides that he or she needs something more. That’s me. Now, sometimes the relationships are polyamourous, sometimes they’re swingers, sometimes they’re in an open relationship. Sometimes not. Yes, I’m the other woman. It’s a position I’m happy with and like.

I don’t do well with relationships. Never have. Either a woman has to be “marriage material” or you just fuck her. Apparently our society doesn’t have any in betweens. Since I feel relationships are too confining, that doesn’t work. Since I don’t want to be a mastrabatory toy, that doesn’t work either. Instead, I fell into the position of being second. The woman the guy runs to when he’s tired of the vanilla ice cream at home or because his wife/partner (yes, I’ve slept with “gay” men)/significant other doesn’t put out. This position gives me a bed partner when I want (most of the time), a friend to talk to (all the time), and someone to just hang out with on occassion. I don’t have to put up with someone else’s petty jealousies or dramas. I don’t have to have someone telling me to be sensitive to their needs all the time (yes, there is a give and take, but it’s two ways and never demanding like in a relationship). Generally, I’m not relationship material. I like my freedom far too much.

There is a married couple in New York who love each other deeply, have children and live in different apartments. If I could have that kind of marriage, I’d have married years ago. “I love you, honey. Go home.” Oh how wonderful that would be. If the man (or woman) had kids, they could live with their kids, I’d be there for supper, etc and then I could go home to peace and quiet. I could run around naked in the privacy of my own home if I so chose. Those underwear on the floor are yours? Not a problem. I’m going home in a few hours. You pick them up.

I have been in a polyamourous situation but it is only recently I realize how different my situation really was. Everyone was friends. We talked. A lot. No one was “primary” or “secondary”. It was an equilateral triangle even though she and I didn’t date (we did  go out on occassion. I don’t know if that counts if there was no sex at the end). We also had an open relationship. We could, and did, date others. Often without consulting the triangle. If one person had a date that was putting strain on the relationship, we talked about it. That only happened once and we decided that we needed to deal with the jealousy issue more than the person I was dating. Sadly, it ended when parties moved away. I still love and miss them, but I’m glad they’re happy in whatever they’re doing.

Apparently it is common for there to be a “primary” relationship with someone like me being a “secondary” (a side fuck). Okay, that’s not a problem. Also, it is considered common for my feelings not to matter. All that matters is the “primary” relationship. Either member of the primary relationship can call foul at any time and the person I’m involved with doesn’t even need to call me to let me know. I, as the secondary, don’t matter beyond being the mastrabatory toy. Wait. What?

Okay, call me bitter (the local polyamourists have with enthusiasm) because I don’t think this is right. No one has the right to hurt another person just because it gets them what they want. If there’s a problem that my involvement is causing the relationship, I’ll step aside. There’s lots others out there. However, don’t think that you can throw me out like a used vibrator just because your “primary” is having a temper tantrum.

So, polyamourists and those in open relationships, I’d like to say this; remember that when you allow your partner to play outside the relationship, you may not like the person they play with. Tough beans. Grow up and accept that they can make adult decisions and if you’re so insecure that you think someone like me can (or is willing to) end your relationship then you need to focus on your insecurity. Not me. If you’re involved in a polyamourist or open relationship remember that you are involving other people with feelings, needs and desires. They are not your fuck toy and they cannot be simply thrown out with the trash. If you open your relationship, you’d better be mature enough to accept that.

Until then I think I’ll stick with married men. Less drama.

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