A woman sits in a corner at a party. She’s a little shy so she’s sipping her drink and keeping to herself. A man walks over and asks if he can feel her breast. She says no. He cups her breast in his hand and gives a squeeze. He tells him to stop but he keeps going. She’s nervous. She knows she’s awkward socially. Maybe this is acceptable at this party. She tells him to stop again but he gets angry. He slaps her face and calls her a prude. Near tears she tells him to leave her alone and starts to walk away. He laughs and tells her he got what he wanted. He likes copping feels against unwilling women.

A woman is online. She begins chatting with a man who asks if he can go on cam for her. She says yes, but so long as he’s only showing his face. His cam turns on and it’s him stroking his penis. She’s not shocked, it’s just a penis. However, she tells him again that she doesn’t cam (perform sexual acts on camera) or sex chat. He says he wants her to go on cam so they can masturbate together. Again she tells him no. She wants to end the conversation, but she’s unsure. She’s not very savvy when it comes to Internet chat. Maybe this is normal. He tells her she’ll like it and he wants her to. She has finally had enough. She says no one last time and tells him she doesn’t cam. She’s about to end the conversation when he calls her a prude and says she’s a tease. Things get ugly because she gets angry. He then sends her a message saying he got what he wanted. He liked showing his penis to unsuspecting women.

These are two variations of the same story. A woman is violated. One physically, the other psychologically. No one would dare dream of telling the woman at the party that she was to blame for the man’s behaviour or that she got what she deserved because she didn’t move away fast enough. Yet, on FetLife, it seems that blaming the victim is normal.

The second scenario happened to me. I do date online and I know there are some weirdos out there. However, there are new fetishes turning up every day and I don’t like to step on anyone’s kink. I gave this jerk three chances to change his behaviour. I figured that was fair. However, when I sent a forum message polling the group “Edmonton Kink” on FetLife what they thought about this situation, almost unanimously I was blamed for the situation. I was told in many ways I was to blame for allowing it to go on and not simply ending the conversation. One user even stated, “if you stayed on formote(sic) than 1 second… I question your inlligence(sic) as much as his.” Another user stated, “You implicitly encourage bad behaviour by not ending it.” This theme went on in varying degrees of hostility. Apparently I’m to blame.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if someone does something you don’t like in chat, do NOT be a nice guy and give them chances. If you are not an immediate asshole and cut them right off, you are to blame for being violated. After all, I did let the conversation go on. Another user made this speculation about my personality flaws;

” My theory is that you suffer from some low self esteme(sic), and believe that people will hurt you or that you may never find respect, and this energy then attracts just that… people who will hurt you and/or won’t show you respect. “

Wait a minute. Low self-esteem? This bit of psychological assessment came from a user who has read maybe four or five of my posts, never met me and is hardly qualified to make any psychological assessments of anyone. Anyone who makes a living writing can’t afford low self-esteem.

Meanwhile, what has been FetLife’s response? Surely they’re a responsible website who takes care to ensure that their users feel safe and comfortable voicing their opinions on their website. After all, this type of lifestyle demands a comfortable and safe environment, be it online or in reality. So they must be racing to correct the problem.

Don’t count on it. This is not the first time a problem like this has arisen. If the FetLife website is any indication, the Edmonton kink community is neither open nor welcoming to those who are new or in any way different from themselves. This is an irony, all things considered. You’d think such an ostracized community would be more understanding and patient with those who are new or curious. The truth is, on the FetLife website they are closed, conservative and non-welcoming at all. I have had several instances of being called names and told my opinion is wrong (I’m unsure how opinions can be wrong, but all right). I have complained to FetLife many, many times and they have yet to do anything about it.

So, this last time I have decided to close my profile there. I do not recommend the site to anyone who is curious or beginning in this lifestyle. I find the majority of users there to be mean and vicious while FetLife sits back and does nothing.

To set the record straight, I do not believe I was to blame for this violation in any way despite what the users of the Edmonton Kink group on FetLife may say.  No means no. It doesn’t mean maybe and it doesn’t mean keep trying.

To FetLife; damn well take a stand already. There is no reason any user should have to sit by and be blamed for being violated.