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Condom

Condom

I have a high sex drive.

A phenomenally high sex drive.

I always have. It’s something I’ve learned to live with and work around. I’m fairly certain that if I were a guy I’d have a hard on at least once every couple of hours. As a woman, it’s easier to hide sexual arousal.

My first sexual experimentation began when I was six with a female friend who was eight. We had an idea that if touching ourselves felt good, then touching someone else must feel good, too. Our experimentation continued and grew for about a year and a half when I moved away. After losing my friend, I continued to experiment on myself.

For a long time I was ashamed of this. The first horror to strike people is the idea that a six year old would even consider such a thing. After all, little girls wear pigtails and play with dolls, not each other. Understand that while there was arousal, it wasn’t the same as adult arousal. This was simply a physical response to stimulation. Neither of us knew, understood or cared about the psychological or emotional arousal happening. It was merely a matter of “let’s see what happens when I do this.” To this day people are horrified when they find this fact out about me. Personally, I don’t see it as bad or good, it just is. What amuses me, though, is little boys will masturbate as early as being in the womb and it’s seen as natural. Boys will be boys. However, a girl who does the same thing is seen as being unnatural. Boys will “play doctor” and that’s a source of amused pride. Girls experiment and it’s horrifying.

The second source of my shame was the fact that I was playing with another girl. I learned early and I learned fast that girls belong to boys. That’s it. In my early 20s I went to a psychologist because I thought I was somehow broken (I wasn’t, took me until my 40s to learn that). I told him of the incident and he let me know that unless I was willing to “purge” myself of the event, he couldn’t help me. When I refused, he stated that I was addicted to being sick. I never saw him again.

So, all through my life I’ve had an unbelieveably high sex drive. I would date men and wear them out. I had one guy break up with me because he complained he couldn’t keep up. I tried desperately to remain monogamous, but I hated that I had to curb my appetites. Of course, as I said earlier, I get aroused throughout the day so I’ve learned to ignore the feeling and go on. However, in an intimate relationship, it seemed like I should be able to go all night like I want to. By my 30s, I hit on something of a solution.

While going to the University of Alberta, I met a young engineering student. A hot little 20-something who was willing to play. For the first time, I met someone whose appetites matched my own. Since then I have actively sought out engineers. I have yet to be with an engineer who is a bad lover. I don’t know what it is, but I highly recommend engineers.

Younger men, it seemed, could keep up with my needs. I like young men. They have nice, hot, tight bodies and are generally willing to try most things. However, a relationship was not in the works.

I had grown tired of relationships. Always masturbating someone’s ego for the price of dinner. I never felt cared for, just like property. Younger men generally don’t want relationships with older women (though there are exceptions) and I’m good with that. Once I rid myself of the idea that I had to be in a relationship to be a whole woman, monogamy quickly followed out the window.

In the ensuing years I also found that I liked to play with some women, depending on their personalities. I’ve had a few alarming encounters but, for the most part, I’ve found that women are willing to play for longer periods. I like variety so, my new awareness of my sexuality enabled me to have various partners without guilt.

However, I am very aware of sexually transmitted diseases and infections.

Let me state this bluntly; if you are a sexually active adult and you do not get tested for STDs regularly, you’re an asshole. This may mean yearly or every couple of years. I try to do this every year or every couple of years.

Now let me make a confession. I’m kind of an asshole. It’s been more than two years since my last testing (which was clean at the time). I could give lots of excuses for this; I always use condoms, I haven’t had the time, I’ve been too stressed, whatever. They’re excuses and I admit it. As a sexually active adult I understand and am prepared for the outcomes of my actions. However, others shouldn’t have to pay for my actions. Tomorrow I go for testing like a responsible adult.

It’s at this point I have to make a plug. I always, ALWAYS use condoms. My preferred brand is Lifestyles “Skyn”, but I also like some Trojans as well. I prefer the thins, but I never have sex without a condom. I currently have a playmate (a friend I have sex with) and have been playing with him for a year and a half. We still use condoms.

I think of all the lives that have been lost because of STDs like AIDS. My hero, Freddy Mercury, succumbed to AIDS and died tragically. He still had so much more to do. I have more to do. Tomorrow I go for testing not because I think I have an STD, but to be sure that I don’t.

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I read a book by Tracy Hickman called The Immortals. It’s a wonderful read and if you ever get a chance I highly recommend it. However, I found it terrifying in it’s ability to predict what is occurring now.

In the book, a man enters a concentration camp for victims of a horrible HIV/AIDS like disease called V-CIDS. The American government, which is a temporary dictatorship, has set up interm camps for victims of the airbourne virus. The public believes these are places to house those with the disease so that they are safe from catching the virus. In truth, what happens is that the camps are blown up with all victims inside.

Recently, a man in Toronto, Lindani Msimanga, was arrested and charged with aggravated sexual assault because he is HIV positive and not informing his partners. When I first read about it, I had the opinion that, while his arrest made me uncomfortable, it was okay because he wasn’t being responsible. I was a bit more uncomfortable when I discovered that he is being charged as a dangerous offender. Still, I thought, he has HIV and needs to be responsible. Government must make him responsible to keep people safe.

Then I read about a 17-year-old Alberta girl who has been arrested for having unprotected sex and not disclosing her HIV status and the brakes when on in my brain. This isn’t right. At first I thought I was just being another do-gooder because of her age but then I thought again.

I’m not one of these people that believes that teenagers who commit crimes are the tragic Greek figures that the media often portrays them to be. Teens know right from wrong and should be held accountable for their actions. It doesn’t matter if mommy beat them or daddy molested them. They know that violent crimes are wrong and can make a choice as to whether to commit them or not. That choice may not be easy and it may not be the way they want to go, but it is there and they can make it. So I wasn’t upset over the HIV-positive girl’s age. This went deeper.

I’ve since lost my copy of The Immortals (Amazon carries it, but not on Kindle) but I haven’t forgotten the story. Is this what we’re doing? Rounding up HIV-positive individuals so that the public can be safe? Why not round up cancer patients? They pose a threat to me being all hairless and everything. What about TB carriers? Hepatitis? Those who get the flu and refuse to get flu shots (I’m one of them)? The list goes on and on. You can justify any of it. After all, a person with TB just needs to cough to infect you. They should have to wear masks and wear signs. Got hepatitis? Get that tattoo’d on your forehead. A big ‘ol “B” where everyone can see it. Don’t want to? Arrest that person. They’re a threat to my health. Where does it end?

Let’s take into consideration, for a moment, that it takes TWO people to commit the act that will spread HIV. Unless either of these individuals was tying people up and injecting their blood into their victims, the spread of their disease is not solely on their shoulders. If anyone chooses to have unprotected sex with an indivudual they take a chance. Unless you have shown that person a clean bill of health from the local STD clinic or your family doctor given within the past month, USE A CONDOM! If you choose to go bareback and you aren’t 100% positive that person is STD free, you get to take responsibility for anything you catch. It’s not up to the government to make sure your stupid decisions keep you safe, that’s up to you. If you choose to do risk-taking things like not wearing a seatbelt, crossing against the light or not using a condom, that’s your right. But after you go through the windshield, get hit by a car or get HIV, don’t come running to me (a responsible person who buys condoms by the 12-pack) crying about how you should have been better protected. Sorry, but you didn’t like the “feel” of the condom. Maybe you like the “feel” of HIV or herpes or any other STD instead. Have fun.

Stop arresting those with HIV. Start arresting real criminals. Start giving 17-year-olds condoms so they won’t infect others. Teach people the FACTS about HIV, its spread and its treatment. Start putting up a lot more STD clinics. But for God’s sake, stop trying to protect those who make stupid choices!

Addendum: I was wrong earlier. Tracy Hickman’s book The Immortals is available on Kindle. Thank you, Mr. Hickman, for correcting me.

September 2017
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